Untold stories of the past,
history creepily repeating itself.
A hesitated sigh of relief,
submerged with the drop of a tear.
Happiness fades like sunshine
beneath the cloudy sky.

(11/6/09)

At first it seemed rather confusing and mind blogging.
The very thought of it disabled me from figuring out what i wanted to be and who I wanted to be.I just knew a few things. a)I couldn't be a science nerd even if i wanted. b)I couldn't be a sportsperson it just wasn't me. c) I couldn't be an architect for my lines aren't so precise. d) I couldn't even be math-a-magician {the way i like to read it} 'cause i hadn't had math since eighth grade. e) i couldn't be an engineering, that's so not me! F) There are so many things i couldn't be but I just can't be them either.
But what I can be is a writer. Not for the heck of it, not for the money for sure. But for myself. I write because I want to tell people what I think. I write because it gives me pleasure and lessens my thoughts. (Not matter how stupid or silly the thought maybe.)

It's been a year now since I have been freelancing/ writing for newspapers and finally after a solid three month internship with the Times of india, I have found the sole purpose of my love for writing. i have heard my true calling... Writing it is all the way!
Clear about what I wanna write and wanna be, I'm grateful for the days of the confusion and chaotic thoughts i have fought with.

Eyes shut tight like I was in real pain, an outburst of tears trickled down my cheeks. I struggle to open my eyes to see if I was dreaming but alas!Tis'reality!
I woke this morning dreaming the strangest of dreams. The ones where you can actually feel your legs hurting like you were running after a train. Or even your shoulder blades hurting as if you swam for your life. I could see myself running away, driving a bike, speaking to my friends...the ones i just make polite conversation with. Standing in places I have never been to. It all doesn't seem to make sense but I think to myself while dreaming, "its a dream, its just a dream."

Tired and breathless as I wake, I gasp at the thought of what seemed so surreal and even more strangely real. A dream or a nightmare, I do not know. For when I got myself back to normal I just knew I didn’t like waking to find myself crying and literally.
Thinking about it, I remembered someone once told me, dreams are what you see when you have bottled up emotions and what you really think. But instead of everyone trying to interpret the dreams, can’t a dream just be a dream? And feelings left as feelings, whether bottled up or not!

"open your eyes" I kept saying aloud. Knowing where I was and unconsciously aware of who I am, I realize the dream was no more than a dream. Life changing in its own way and even though I want to write more about it and probably even write the whole dream, I cannot seem to find the perfect words.
To quote a new friend i befriended few weeks ago, "For once the writer has no words!"

they say the easiest way to write is when you write about yourself and your life. The ups and downs, the awesome school days, the days when you got your first kiss or even not, the weird mood swings, the pmses, the secret looks you gave to the cute guy who passed your way, the feeling of being in love only to find heartbreak after finding out the guy's taken, the fights with your family, siblings included and the beautiful ways of nature taking over your life making it a living hell!! Yep, that was pretty easy!
What's easier is writing about all that because its in the past. But if you try writing something now that's happening in the present is seems rather childlike and it's like you'd rather wait till it got done with because its so much easier to admit whatever it is you were going through.

There are so many things that are easy to do. Take running way or escaping for instance, i think that is by far forget cowardly but it's the easiest thing to do. You do something, you mess up and you turn around and run. you keep running till you're a little comfortable with the idea of you screwing up?! i guess that why sometimes it is easier to chose to run than face a problem. There are so many situation i can think of where i have bailed out and ran for my life, let things be till i thought it was okay for me to come back but i realize its not really how things should work. Then of course it wouldnt be running away, would it?

Why does it happen that when you want to say something, we always hesitate because we're always thinking of the other persons reaction or what they expect us to say?? Really! That just makes us so guilty! atleast to me it does!

I have had friends’ from practically every group that i have known, from the jocks to the metal heads, to the scientists, the math freaks, the nerds everyone! Looking back at time, I have in me, a little bit of every one of them. I could be the nerd for someone, i could be for someone else a popular kid, or even be nobody. In fact, i think everyone is a little of everything.
You just choose who to be.

The faces I've known
back in the day
seem to slowly fade.

The faces I've known
back in school
seem to have disappeared.

The faces I've known
in my own past,
people i've loved are no more.

The faces I've known
some of the finest
never cease to exist.

The faces I've known
in my own memories
have dwindled

The faces I've known
from right in front of me
have fallen, wilted like petals from a rose.

Obviously once you read the followin note, you will know which song it originally is, but me being the morning enthusiast and also the thrill from finally starting driving classes a week ago, i came up with this!
nothing exotic, just a lil tweaked version of I WIL SURVIVE!!
:)
ENJOY THE RIDE!


"First I was afriad, I was pertrified,
Kept thinking i'd dash into the car by my side,
then i spent so many nights thinking how i thought so wrong
I grew strong
I learnt how to turn the car on
and so you watch your back
from the mirror and give me space
I just drove behind and dumped into your rare
to see the shock on your face
I should have changed my stupid gear
you should have realized the driver was a she
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me.....

Go on now go walk back to the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me saying i was cockeye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to drive
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to give the car a raised start
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken car
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that nevrous little person
behind the wheel scared of you
and so you felt like bumping in
and just don't expect me to be angry
now I'm saving all my driving
for someone who'll be patient while teaching me!!!

Outside my four walls,
is another world
a world of discomfort,
a world of hurt.

outside my four walls,
is another world
waiting for me,
calling out to me.

outside my four walls
is another world
a world of hatred,
a world that's tainted.

Outwide my four walls
is another world
a world thats scary
a world thats grey and weary

outside my four walls
is another world
a world thats supficial
a world thats very artificail.

outside my four walls
is another world
a world of sadness
a world of nothingness

outside my four walls
is another world
a world where i am not me
a world where i cannot be.

outside my four walls
is another world
a world i cannot live in
a world i cannot be in

outside my four walls
is another world
a world where i have no say
a world where i have to stay.

Sometimes when everything goes right,
something at the back of your mind goes wrong.
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you want to be with your friends,
something at the back of your head whats you to be alone
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when happy days are going on for weeks and months,
something at the back of your head is thinking of only the sad
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes while the best of times are right in front of your eyes,
something makes you see the worst and you tear
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes while doing what you want,
something always makes you do the exact opposite and you don't know why
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you are hanging with your friends,
something makes you want to leave everything behind and runaway. God knows Why
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you're alone, and you want to be with friends,
something doesn't make that moment happen
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you're living life like a king or a queen,
something makes you want to live a poor mans life
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when the world is spinning around, its fun but,
something makes you dizzy and you try to stop but it doesnt
have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you need me the most,
something makes me go away, i will come back but you dont believe.
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when I want my peace with me,
something stops me and i'm a mess, maybe i need you
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes I don't talk and it is difficult to do that,
something inside me is being bottled up
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes you just want a hug without saying anything but,
something makes you say way too much, it may hurt
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes while people are fighting their own battles,
something fails and they break
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes it's okay to let your friends go and fall,
something makes you hold back all the time
Have you thought of that?

Sometimes unspoken words say much more but,
something makes you tonedeaf towards that
Have you ever thought of that?

okay so its been like forever since i last blogged and truly i have missed writing. doesnt mean i have stopped thinking or penning down my thoughts, ok ok i havent been penning down most of them.

there are so many things i have wanted to write about but i couldnt get my lazy self to actually type them out. sometimes i feel like somethings are better spoken about than written but it goes both as ways, somethings are better written as well so i decided to write things which actually make sense to me and are on the more practical side to it and just ponder over thoughts which make no sense and are probably a little impractical.

i was thinking, Whats the point in writing about the mundane life i have or the mundane feelings i go through because sometimes or the other are people who have gone through the exact same feelings and have probably been there. so this new year i decided that its not going to be about everyday. i accept i have always been the kinds of writes down every happy,sad,good bad moment i have lived in my journals but then there are those special moments which are worth remembering a lot more and some memories are better left unwritten about or spoken about because noone will actually know what you have felt or how important that memory/moment is for you.
so i realized it is okay for me not to keep updating my blog and still have what i like to call, and we all call the MENTAL-BLOG!